The Stationary Cupboard Saga
by Ruthie
Summary: Sam finds herself locked in a cupboard with someone she hates. Part 3 now up.
1. Default Chapter

Title: The Stationary Cupboard Saga: Part 1  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Summary: Sam finds herself locked in a cupboard with someone she hates. Part 1 of many.  
  
Author Notes: Tee-hee. Feedback is always appreciated at this address: jm-webmistress@fsmail.net   
  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead is coincidental and not intended by the author.  
  
Note: Thank you very much to all of the people that send reviews! I am very grateful! :)  
  
~ The Stationary Cupboard Saga: Part 1 ~  
  
Copyright (c) 2003, Ruth  
  
**********  
  
Sam groaned as the pencil she was using decided to snap halfway through an important experiment. She got up out of her chair and looked at her watch. It read 23:30. If Janet or Colonel O'Neill caught her still working at this time of night, she'd be in a lot of trouble.  
  
Still, she thought to herself, what would Jack or Janet be doing in the stationary cupboard? She decided to chance it anyway, as she could also take some more pens whilst she was there. She opened the door of her lab and looked both ways down the corridor, still unsure as to whether her CO or the SMO would ambush her.  
  
As she walked quietly past the rooms that held her sleeping co-workers, she wondered why it was that she stayed up until the early hours of the morning, doing things that could just as easily wait until the next morning.  
  
Because you like to get things done, she reminded herself. They're so used to it, they expect things to be done.   
  
**********  
  
As she reached the stationary cupboard, however, and went inside, the lights went out.   
  
"Ah!" she groaned, fumbling for the light switch. She suddenly felt the door slam shut behind her, and she fell to the floor on her butt.  
  
"This is turning out to be one of the worst nights of my life!" she grumbled, feeling her way up in the darkness, grateful that no-one had been there to see her fall over.  
  
"On the contrary," a voice replied, "This could be quite fun."  
  
"Oh...my...God!" Sam said slowly, putting her head in her hands. "Please tell me that I'm just imagining this."  
  
"Nah," the male voice replied again, "It's much more fun if you don't."  
  
"For you, maybe," Sam replied, sitting down on what she hoped was the floor.  
  
"Come on!" he smiled, and Sam could practically see the smirk on his face, "This'll be great!"  
  
"You try to make something amusing out of this, McKay, and I'll break your arm," she growled threateningly.  
  
**********  
  
"So..." McKay said, fiddling with a glue stick, "How's your new experiment going?"  
  
"Fine," Sam replied shortly, "I should be up there doing it now, but I had to get locked in this stationary cupboard in the pitch black with you."  
  
"Funny how your sins will find you out," he snidely replied.  
  
"What sin?" Sam snapped, "I'm not doing anything wrong!"  
  
"Well, I'm sure your Colonel would take you over his knee and give you a good spanking if he knew you were still working at 2300 hours." McKay smirked.  
  
SLAP  
  
"Ow! How the hell did you know where to hit me?" he whined, rubbing his cheek.  
  
"I just followed your inflated ego," Sam snidely replied, with a smile spreading over her face. She wouldn't admit it to anyone, but she quite enjoyed their little fights. It was just so damned easy to wind him up.  
  
"At least my ego isn't as inflated as yours!" McKay snapped, "Oh, look, I'm Major Carter, I know everything, blah blah, let's blow up this thingy and endanger the lives of millions of people on the off-chance that my stupid idea will work, blah blah!" He mocked in high falsetto.   
  
SLAP  
  
"Dammit, woman!" he groaned, "Would you stop doing that?"  
  
"I'll stop slapping you if you stop asking for it," Sam replied, feeling along the floor in the darkness for something that she could use as a weapon, possibly a projectile.  
  
"I don't believe that I asked you to slap me," he replied after a while.  
  
"You did," Sam smiled, "In your own little way."  
  
Her smile broadened as her hand closed on what felt like a glue stick. A perfect weapon against him. At least she could give her hands a break.  
  
**********  
  
"What have you been up to in Russia?" Sam asked eventually, "Except for all the pretentious bullshit and butt-snorkelling you must get up to."  
  
"Do you know how hot you are when you're angry?" McKay smiled. "And please, don't slap me again."  
  
THUD  
  
"Ow! What the hell...was that a glue stick?"  
  
"It was indeed. And very well aimed, if I do say so myself," Sam smiled.  
  
"I really do hate you, you know," McKay replied.  
  
"The feeling, I assure you, is mutual, doctor," Sam said. "If anything, I despise you more than you hate me."  
  
"Nah. You fancy me really," McKay grinned. He leant back against a box of pencils and stretched. "I can tell. You're just aggressive because of your passion."  
  
Sam licked her lips. "You see this pencil, McKay? In a minute...it's going to be stuck somewhere...SIDEWAYS!"  
  
**********  
  
"How long have we been in this cupboard?" McKay asked.  
  
"I would estimate about three hours," Sam said.  
  
"Do you think we've got enough oxygen in here?" He continued, "Whilst I would love to spend the last moments of my life with you, I would also like to be able to breathe."  
  
"You can't have it all, McKay," Sam quipped.  
  
"Oh, how very amusing," McKay replied. "You know, sometimes I wonder why the other women here don't like you, but other times I can see why!"  
  
"Ooh!" Sam moaned, feigning upset, "Stop it, McKay, or you're really gonna hurt my feelings!"  
  
"And...when we eventually do get found, everyone will assume that we've been making out," he grinned.  
  
"They can assume what they like," Sam muttered, "I'll soon set them straight."  
  
"I think we're wasting a good opportunity to get to know each other better," he smirked.  
  
"I think I'm wasting a good opportunity to stuff this ruler where the sun doesn't shine," Sam continued, "But you'd probably get off on it."  
  
"Yes, ma'am," he grinned.  
  
In the darkness, Sam couldn't help but smile. She despised the man terribly, but he could make her laugh, and he was a genius. He was just so irritating and cocky with it.  
  
"You're a jerk," Sam commented, with no spite in her voice.  
  
"So are you," he replied.  
  
"I suppose it could be worse," Sam sighed.  
  
"Yeah," McKay replied, "You could have been stuck in here with me and Dr McKenzie!"  
  
"I think I would have killed myself by now if that were true," Sam said.  
  
"So would I," McKay stated, with a small snort.  
  
**********  
  
Suddenly, a light came on from nowhere and they could finally see each other.  
  
Before they could move, the door was forced open and an airman stood in the doorway, looking curiously at them and trying not to smirk.  
  
"Airman," Sam said, pulling herself up off of the floor and exiting with as much dignity as she had left.  
  
When he was sure that she was gone, McKay stood up and shook the airman's hand.  
  
"Cheers, I owe you one," he grinned, and left the room, "I am SO in there!"  
  
THE END  
  
Author's Note: Who should Sam be stuck in a cupboard with next time? Any preferences? Please don't hesitate to send feedback. 


	2. The Stationary Cupboard Saga: Part 2

Title: The Stationary Cupboard Saga: Part 2  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Summary: Sam finds herself locked in a cupboard with someone she hates. Part 2.  
  
Author Notes: Tee-hee. Feedback is always appreciated at this address: jm-webmistress@fsmail.net   
  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead is coincidental and not intended by the author.  
  
Note: Thank you very much to all of the people that send reviews! I am very grateful! :)  
  
~ The Stationary Cupboard Saga: Part 2 ~  
  
Copyright (c) 2003, Ruth  
  
**********  
  
"Damn!"   
  
Sam cursed as the pen she was writing with ran out, right in the middle of a very large report. For once, she had decided to write it by hand because her laptop was charging. This was not something that she usually did, and now she remembered why.  
  
Leaning down to look in her desk drawer, she cursed as she realised that she had no pens left inside of it - Jack must have been taking them again, either that or Daniel. They seemed to find it amusing to use her desk drawer as a stationary store, which meant that Sam had to keep making trips to the stationary cupboard - this was not something that she wanted to do because of her encounter with Dr McKay.  
  
Still, if she wanted to finish her report, it didn't look as if she had any other options. With a sigh of annoyance, she pushed herself up and out of her chair, and yanked the door of her lab open. Then, she headed for the stationary cupboard.  
  
**********  
  
Sam paused outside of the cupboard and leant against it, pressing her ear against the door. She wanted to make sure that there was nobody waiting for her inside before she entered. When she was comfortable with the fact that she was alone, she pushed open the door and went inside.  
  
The minute she stepped inside, Sam uttered another curse. The box of pens was right at the back of the cupboard, which meant that she had to stray away from the door which she wanted to keep held open, just in case someone decided to pull another prank on her.  
  
"Oh, pull yourself together, Sam!" She snapped to herself, letting go of the door and stalking across to the pens.  
  
Just as she did this, she heard the door slam shut, and once more (though it was a terrible cliché) the lights went out.  
  
"AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!"  
  
**********  
  
"Stressed, Major Carter?" A cool voice replied.  
  
"Oh..." Sam moaned, sliding to the floor in horror, "Please tell me that this is just another terrible dream!"  
  
"Another? My, my, have you been having many of these dreams?" the man enquired.  
  
"No, I haven't!" Sam snapped, "And just what the hell are you doing hiding in a stationary cupboard, McKenzie?"  
  
"I am conducting a psychological experiment," McKenzie said defensively, folding his arms and knocking a box of rulers onto Sam's head.  
  
"Ow!" she said, rubbing the wounded spot, "Why on Earth are you doing it in a cupboard?"  
  
"Why not?" McKenzie asked.  
  
"Why not? WHY NOT? Because it's a CUPBOARD, for crying out loud!" Sam shouted.  
  
"For crying out loud," McKenzie said, and Sam could hear him scribbling something in a notebook.  
  
She closed her eyes, counted to ten, and took several deep breaths.  
  
"What...are...you...doing?"  
  
"I'm writing a psychological analysis."  
  
"Do you really think that it's fair for you to be analysing my mind when I am locked in a dark stationary cupboard with YOU?"  
  
"I think it's a great idea," McKenzie beamed, "Just the right sort of atmosphere..."  
  
"To get me locked up in a padded room," Sam grumbled, shifting around, trying to get more comfortable.  
  
"Exactly," McKenzie replied, scribbling in his notebook again.  
  
**********  
  
"So..." McKenzie said slowly, "You mentioned having terrible dreams...care to talk to me about that?"  
  
"No."  
  
"What about the obviously increasing levels of stress put on you at the moment?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Are you willing to talk to me about anything, Major Carter?"  
  
"No."  
  
Sam heard him scribbling something in the notebook again, and gritted her teeth.   
  
Why was this happening to her again? Was McKay not humiliating enough? Word would soon get around the base of her penchant for getting locked in the stationary cupboard with men, and that would do her no good at all.  
  
"You know, this display of anger is just a side-effect of your nervousness.   
  
There is no need to feel nervous, Major."  
  
"Yes," She cooly replied, clenching her fists, "And this display of anger that I will soon be acting on if you do not SHUT UP will merely be a side-effect of my being locked in a dark cupboard again!"  
  
"Again?" he questioned, "When has this happened before, Major? Is this something that you want to talk about?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Well, it was worth a shot."  
  
**********  
  
"You know, Major, I deal with people who have a screw loose all of the time, but you really have nothing to be afraid of."  
  
Sam bit her lip, and swallowed a giggle.  
  
"I don't care how many screws you've lost, McKenzie - that's your business, not mine."  
  
"Oh, very funny," he said sarcastically, "You don't have to hide behind infantile humour, Major - I'm sure that people will appreciate you for the person you are, not for the person you are currently trying to be."  
  
Sam tried to think about this for a moment, but failed.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You put up a barrier around yourself," McKenzie continued, as if he were reading fine poetry, "You make yourself out to be someone popular and exciting, when in actual fact you are not - you are just the nerdy scientist with no friends, no social life and only a fat ginger cat for company."  
  
SLAP  
  
"Ouch! What was that for?"  
  
"For telling me that I have no life. I mean, talk about hypocritical - look at you! How many friends do you have, huh? One?"  
  
"I've got one more than you," McKenzie snorted.  
  
SLAP  
  
"I still do not understand how you are capable of slapping me in this pitch black cupboard," McKenzie grumbled.  
  
"I can smell bullshit a mile off," Sam explained, with a smirk.  
  
**********  
  
"How long are we going to be in here?" McKenzie grunted, "I need to type up my study."  
  
"One thing," Sam said, "How can you have known what you were writing, as we've been in the dark. For all you know, you might have missed the paper and gone straight onto your trousers!"  
  
"Is that just an excuse for you to remove my pants, Major?" McKenzie asked, with a grin.  
  
THROWING UP NOISE  
  
"Please don't do that again."  
  
"What? Ask you to take off my trousers?"  
  
THROWING UP NOISE  
  
"Dammit! I told you to stop doing that!"  
  
RUSTLING NOISE  
  
"There they are, Major - here, would you like them?"  
  
"No...No...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
**********  
  
Suddenly, the door was wrenched open and an extremely shocked airman was standing there, looking at them.  
  
McKenzie cleared his throat.  
  
"I can explain everything, airman."  
  
THE END  
  
Author's Note: Heehee! Hope you enjoyed it, please send comments to jm-webmistress@fsmail.net. Hope you all have a very merry Christmas and a happy new year!! 


	3. The Stationary Cupboard Saga: Part 3

Title: The Stationary Cupboard Saga: Part 3  
  
Feedback to: jm-webmistress@fsmail.net   
  
Rating: PG  
  
Spoilers: Abyss, Mention of McDonalds' Happy Meals.  
  
Summary: Sam finds herself locked in a cupboard with someone she hates. Part 3.  
  
Author Notes: Tee-hee. Feedback is always appreciated at this address: jm-webmistress@fsmail.net   
  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead is coincidental and not intended by the author.  
  
Note: Thank you very much to all of the people that send reviews! I am very grateful! :)  
  
~ The Stationary Cupboard Saga: Part 3 ~  
  
Copyright (c) 2004, Ruth  
  
**********  
  
Sam looked down at the pen in her hand. Given her recent history with the stationary cupboard, was it really worth going to have a look for another? She sighed, and put her head in her hands. She needed another pen to finish her report. Again, she'd left it too late to charge her computer, so she was forced to use the manual method. And Colonel O'Neill usually complained that the font she used was too small.  
  
Picking up the heaviest bit of equipment she could find, she went down to the cupboard and opened the door. The interior of the damned cupboard was becoming more recognisable than the outside. She wedged the door open, and stuffed her bit of equipment next to it, holding it open. Before she went inside, she checked to see where the pens were.   
  
They were just on the inside of the door. If she just reached far enough…  
  
Unfortunately, she reached too far, overbalanced and fell flat on her face. She struggled to keep the door open with her foot, pulling herself up into a sitting position. She heard an airman whistling as he walked along, and tried to call out to him.   
  
"Damn stationary cupboard," he grunted, "Keeps coming open!" And he kicked the door shut.  
  
"Nnnnnnnnnoooooooo!" Sam cried, pounding on the door with her fists, "Why me? Why again? Oh, what have I done to deserve this?"  
  
"Hello?" another voice said, "Who is that?"  
  
"Who is that?" Sam asked, "Why the hell do I keep getting caught in the cupboard with people?"  
  
The person with her said nothing, but a pair of eyes flashed in the gloom.  
  
"Shit!" Sam cursed, "Which Goa'uld are you? I think, if you're about to kill me, that I have the right to know."  
  
"I am not about to kill you. Do you still wish to know who I am?" The Goa'uld replied.   
  
"Well, it would be something to talk about," Sam said, "That is, until someone finds us in here and I get court-marshalled for harbouring a Goa'uld!"  
  
"I am Ba'al. I do not believe that you have encountered me before. May I hear your name?"  
  
"All you need to know, mister, is that I'm a friend of Jack O'Neill. And why the hell aren't you killing me?"  
  
"I left all of my implements of torture back on my ship," Ba'al sighed in despair, "Which is a shame, because this would have been a most perfect opportunity."  
  
"Perfect," Sam said, edging away from the sound of his voice, "Yeah."  
  
Ba'al sighed again, and then began to hum a little tune. Sam looked through the gloom in disbelief. She was SO not coming in this cupboard again, even if her laptop broke and she needed a new battery. She'd get Jack to do it, that would serve the bugger right for teasing her.  
  
"So…Ba'al…you said you came in a ship? Exactly where is it?" Sam asked, interested.  
  
"Do you think I am completely stupid?" Ba'al replied, in a bored tone, "I know that if I tell you anything you will merely tell your friends and have them kill me."  
  
"I…how? What? How can I possibly tell them anything when I'm locked in here with you?" She snapped.  
  
"You will use this," Ba'al said, chucking something over to her, "Which is undoubtedly a communication device!"  
  
Sam felt the object in her hands and snorted. Then, she started to laugh loudly.   
  
"Ba'al…my dear System Lord,…this is not a communication device." Sam spluttered.  
  
"Well, then, what is it?" Ba'al replied sharply, "Desist your mockery and tell me, or I will kill you!"  
  
"It's…it's a stapler." Sam smirked. She wished she could see the look on his face.   
  
"A stapler?" Ba'al asked, confused, "What is a stapler?"  
  
"We use it to attach two or more pieces of paper together," Sam explained, at the same time wondering why on Earth she was doing it.   
  
"I see. And do not think that I did not mean it when I said I would kill you, because I will," he threatened.  
  
"With what?" Sam smirked, "A stapler? I hate to tell it to you, Ba'al, but you can't kill someone with a stapler."  
  
"Perhaps not, but what about this?" He asked triumphantly, throwing something else over to her.   
  
"This? Uh…this is a ruler. We use it to measure things. You can't kill people with one of these, either."  
  
"Damn," Ba'al cursed.   
  
**********  
  
"Ba'al," Sam asked, pulling her knees up to her chest, "What exactly are you doing in here anyway?"  
  
"I am hiding," he said. "And not doing a terrifically good job of it."  
  
"You said it, not me," Sam replied. "I thought you were much more sensible than that. Intelligent, powerful - but yet you hide in a cupboard?"  
  
"Yes. I am what you have just described. My host is another matter, quite another matter indeed."  
  
"What's he like?" Sam enquired, still unable to believe that she was sitting in a cupboard with one of the most feared system lords ever.   
  
"His name is Chuck," Ba'al said in despair, "And he used to hand out Happy Meals at McDonalds."  
  
"I'm sorry," Sam said, stifling a giggle, "Could you repeat that? It sounded like you just said…"  
  
"You heard me correctly the first time," Ba'al snapped.   
  
"Oh…dear…" Sam said, covering her mouth, "That…that can't be good for your all-powerful image."  
  
"No," Ba'al agreed, "And sometimes I am taken over by his stupidity. Hence my being in this cupboard."  
  
"Oh. Well, that's made some things clearer. I'm sorry, that must be difficult for you."  
  
"You have no idea," Ba'al agreed, "Would you like a cigarette?"  
  
"Would I l…did you just? But…but you're a Goa'uld!" Sam stuttered.   
  
"Does that mean we can't smoke?" Ba'al asked, lighting up and taking a deep drag, "Apophis was a chain-smoker. Seth, too. In fact, even Hathor was known to have a drag now and again."  
  
"I must be dreaming," Sam murmured, "I must have hit my head, and this is all just the result of a concussion-induced dream."  
  
"Sadly, no," Ba'al told her, "I have woken up many mornings and thought that exact same thing, but no. This is reality, as unfortunate as it may be."  
  
"If you'll excuse me," Sam said politely, "I'm going to faint now. Goodbye."  
  
So she did.  
  
**********  
  
When she woke up, she found the concerned face of Janet Fraiser looking down at her.   
  
"Sam, hon? Are you awake?"  
  
Sam nodded. Janet spoke to someone that Sam couldn't see yet and left the room. General Hammond came into view.   
  
"Major, could you explain to me what you were doing in a stationary cupboard with Lord Ba'al?"  
  
"Oh, shit," Sam murmured, and passed out again.  
  
**********  
  
The End  
  
**********  
  
Author Notes: Sorry, that one got a bit daft towards the end. Feedback is always accepted at jm-webmistress@fsmail.net. Ba'al will deal with any flames. 


End file.
